I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I had to cum in my sink.
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