I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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