At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
