My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
