yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
