in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
