i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
