I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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