Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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