I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
