So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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