Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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