foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
