I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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