I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You were trust falling into bushes
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
