we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
