So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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