Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
