sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
