I wish you could order shots online.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
