there's paper in my vomit.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
