dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
