I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
