Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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