it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
