The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
