my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize