Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
