when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
