remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
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"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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