Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
