so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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