when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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