How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
