I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
