She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
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I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
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I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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