I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
