I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
