Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
