My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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