my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
