if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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