booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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