the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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