Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Michael Bay diarrhea
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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