It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
