When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
