I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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