I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
