go do what you do best...puke behind churches
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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