You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
