Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
