i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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