I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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