We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
